litmus for lovers

litmus1.jpg

On a single sheet of notebook paper, draw a line down the center. On the right hand side of the paper, write down what you do in a single day for your mate or your household. On the left hand side, write down what your partner does for you. If you can’t think of anything, fold the paper up and return to it tomorrow. When you are done, compare the lists. Is there a balance? Take into account some things might be weighted so if one side is shorter, keep in mind the TYPES of things being done. If your mate is cooperative, have him or her write down what they see you doing on a daily basisfor the relationship while you do the same. When you’re done, compare lists. Are either of you upset by what the other has ( or hasn’t) written?

Based on the list alone, can you see which person is more valued in your household? Does it matter?

good girls don’t?

post.jpg 

I get so confused talking to some women and their concepts of what is acceptable in a relationship. I mean I get  confused  like I start questioning MY ish, confused.

See..

I get why people refrain from having..relations…prior to getting married. I was raised believing I should do the same thing. Based on what I believe to be right and true, I think that people SHOULD refrain from doing it.  So when I meet someone and it comes up that they don’t do certain things, if nothing else I am in awe of them and I have a great deal of respect for their strength and dedication.

Sometimes, though, I be getting confused.

Like when someone says they can’t have relations, but they do everything else BUT, and still think they’re on par with what God expects from them.

Like when Bill Clinton said he didn’t have intercourse with that woman, but what he DID was certainly bad enough.

Like, are there degrees of fornication?

No seriously?

And I know I would be considered a heathen by many so my questions are not to make light of this at all. I just WONDER about it. Is it acceptable from a religious standpoint to spend the night on a first date with someone, snuggling side by side in bed just because intercourse is not had? Is that REALLY ok?

Is it acceptable to “make out” with someone to the point where the actual ACT is the ONLY thing that hasn’t gone on…you know from a religous standpoint?

I guess my concern isn’t so much for their salvation as it is from the audacity of these same types of people to pass judgment on me for the choices that I make.

I know I’m wrong. I get that. But if its an issue of right and wrong, I don’t know where these people fit in. The people who have been provided with this list that the rest of us are not privvy to, which seems to provide a list of “acceptable” services and a list of “you’re going to hell tomorrow” services. I mean, if there IS such a list, how does one obtain it?

Where I come from, good girls don’t. Period.

From what I’m learning as I go through life, good girls are good girls regardless. They carry themselves with decency and respect and they are honest with themselves about themselves.  They certainly don’t play games with grown azz men, expecting them to behave like teenagers giving them JUST enough to keep them interested and then getting holy when its time to seal the deal. They realize that if they choose to wait, that there are SOME MEN who WILL wait and they carry themselves as though they are someone worth waiting FOR. COMPLETELY. NO DRY HUMPING INCLUDED.

They don’t chip away at the ho block, one act at a time, trying to convince the world that they have it all figured out and have found a way to beat the system.

Good girls don’t do that.

They don’t have to.

Just be you. Unapologetically.You.

i got your man

“Get your shit together
you’re makin a fool of yourself,
it don’t matter if he spends the night
his home is somewhere else
Ain’t you tired of being on the side line,
tired of getting yours after i gets mine
baby second place don’t get a prize
when you gone realize you wasting your time …
little sideline ho ”

Women, as a whole, need to get it together. Seriously. When I meet guys and they realize how few women I deal with, they are actually surprised. They see me as an outgoing person and feel that I’d be a good friend to anyone. I try to school them, and let them know that dealing with women requires more energy and patience than dealing with men…but they don’t hear me tho. I think, like most men, my male friends think that all women, ESPECIALLY black women, are bonded by the common belief that most men ain’t shit. Despite any problems that I may have had, may have caused, may have suffered in that department..I truly beg to differ.

As a rule, I don’t get along with most females. With that being said, it would make me seem like a hypcrite to voice this next opinion, but here goes. Most men behave the way that they do because WOMEN as a whole, do not care about one another. I have to make a sidenote here because I know some FABULOUS women and I do not include them, nor myself in this category. But for those OTHER heffas, ( and you KNOW who you are), this one’s for you.

I spoke with an “associate” today who is having an affair with a married man. As always, she boasted of the beautiful flowers that he send regularly to her office. She spewed detail after detail of their romantic weekend together at a 5 star hotel. He was attentive, and loving and considerate and satisfied her every desire. According to her, he is the perfect man. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! This woman had actually convinced herself that since they make each other happy, they aren’t doing anything wrong. She actually said that its not their fault that they came together. She TRIED that. 

I sat as long as I could and watched her as she spoke. Surely, deep down she felt guilty about this and felt sorry for causing pain to this woman that she actually knew,this woman  that she had travelled with and had broken bread with on numerous occasions. Surely, my ass was mistaken. I asked a simple question, and got what was truly a simple answer.

“What about his wife?”
“What about her?”
“What do you mean what about her, how do you think she feels about all this?”
“I don’t care! If she was doing what she was supposed to do, he wouldn’t be with me”

I looked at her. Shook my head. And told this woman who is 15 years older than me:

“If you were doing what YOU were supposed to be doing, he’d have left her by now.” She looked at me hard, and told me there was no reason for me to be so mean. ME. HAH!

What has the world come to? I do think that getting a man and keeping a man are not necessarily the same thing. I know where she is coming from by saying that his wife has to do her job. A lot of us, including myself get a good man and think that is the end of it. The same amount of effort it took to get him has to be put into keeping him. I’m learning for myself that there are things that I just have to be more sensitive about if I want to maintain harmony in my own home. However, when did it become okay to pounce on a man at the first sign of discord in his home? What happened to us? When did we stop CARING about each other? IF it is true that men ain’t shit, then why is it that we’re punishing each other INSTEAD of them? We complain that all men do is cheat and lie, yet the first opportunity we get to be with one of their “lyin cheatin asses” we run and jump and immediately side against the wife. Are we that desperate?

What exactly are the qualities that we look for in men nowadays? Men, regardless of their class in life, have higher standards than women. Even a bum off the streets will look for a woman who can take care of them. When it comes to relationships ( actual relationships not friends with benefits) they know to trade UP. Women act so desperate for a man that they take the first thing that comes along. He doesn’t need an education, he doesn’t need his own place to live, his own car, hell he doesn’t even need a JOB half the time for some women. All he needs to do is be a man and be willing to put up with her. That’s it. We’re so desperate to grab hold of a man that we don’t even know what to look for in a man anymore. When you are holding on to someone else’s man with everything you have, what exactly are you holding on to? What about someone who can be so deceitful, and hurtful, and immoral is appealing to you? I just don’t understand that. The men who fit the “ain’t shit” label benefit from the issues that women have. Since we settle for anything, they never have to come at us better. They don’t need to step their game up. They don’t need to finish their degrees, or learn that there is more to dating than just going to dinner and a movie. They know that we will take whatever the hel that they offer us. Why? Because we’re convinced that there are no good men out here, that there are no good Black men out here, that there are no good STRAIGHT BLACK MEN out here so if you find one, married or not, you better hold on to him now and deal with the bullshit later.

Women need to wake up. Noone should be HAPPY, BOASTFUL, PROUD of having a counterfeit relationship made dirty by secret phone calls, stolen moments and lies. We don’t have to be the kind of women who take pleasure in knowing that for every passionate moment we spend with these men, someone’s heart is breaking. Aren’t we BETTER than that? If so, why do we settle for it? There is more to life than getting a man. I pray there is more to life than “taking” someone else’s man. If we got ourselves together, the men would have no choice but to follow suit. We have the power but I guess we’re too busy sniffing the petals of a soon rotted bouquet of roses attached to a note of false promises and empty sentiments to care.

So to the woman that I spoke with today. In case I was unclear in anyway;
I’m not impressed by the flowers. I’m not impressed by the hotels.
Because at the end of the day, you are still a ho.
Because at the end of the day he is still a liar and a cheater.
Because at the end of the day, his wife is a woman, just like you. Who hurts.
Because at the end of the day, no amount of roses will ever mask the stink of you and I think you DO know that, but the problem is, I just think you’re too much of a ho to do better.

Please. Just.Do.Better.

tgif?

A friend of mine and I were discussing this whole dating thing recently. We were going over what kind of expecations I had about men, dating, relationships and all that. I really wasn’t sure. To be honest, when I see myself single, I see myself alone. I am so far from even THINKING about someone else. (See yesterday’s post:I’m not even hardly ready for that yet). To coax me into getting in touch with the possibility of dating again one day, she started asking me about first dates, and what would be a perfect date for me. I like to think I’m open minded and spontaneous and I think a perfect date would be dictated by the chemistry that I felt with the person I’m with. So again, I had no answer for her. Frustrated, she rolled her eyes at me and said ” So if some guy came to pick you up and you were looking all cute, and he took you to Friday’s on your first date, would you keep seeing him.”

Silence. Not because I didn’t have an answer, but because I didn’t want to hear her response to my answer. In all honesty, Friday’s is fine. It is. I have a 12 year old daughter who loves Friday’s. If we’re out shopping, she’ll ask if we can do lunch there. Its fine. Really. For lunch with a 12 year old on a busy day. I think that if a man felt that a Friday’s was appropriate for a date with me, then he has me all wrong. Like I said, there is nothing wrong with Friday’s, but if he’s talked to me enough to earn a first date, I’m sure nothing that I would have spoken to him about would have led him to believe that a plate of Jack Daniels ribs was the answer for a first evening out with me. If he were the type of man who thought Friday’s was a “fancy” restaurant, then hell, we’d have problems all around because we wouldn’t be on the same page at all. Of course, after having finally gotten an answer from me, she was all kinds of upset. (Just like I thought she’d be).  I can never explain the Friday’s test in a way to not come off as some stuck up chick who wants someone to empty their pockets to try to impress me. That’s not the case at all. To me, its more a matter of taste and style vs money. My taste does not make provisions for Friday’s on a first date and it goes deeper than how much money is spent. If money were an issue there are lots of other options that would make greater impact than a TGIFs. The type of man that I’m attracted to would know that.

So no. I won’t be dating soon. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out what I’m doing NOW. I do know, that when I am tossed back into the dating pool, any man who fails the Friday’s test shouldn’t even bother asking for a second date.

forbidden treat..a parable

Another Shot of the Chocolate Fountain

i love “chocolate” like you wouldn’t believe. i obsess over it. Recently, I accepted that  have overindulged myself in my sweet obsession for far too long. The effects have been noticed by everyone around me. I made a promise to myself that I would not never again touch another piece of chocolate-when the time was right, I would retrain my sweet tooth in the direction of something more harmless and far less decadent. I was going strong for a week or so and I really convinced myself that I was over this fetish completely. I could even sit in the same room with a large inviting dish of chocolate without even being tempted. For once in my life, I was able to discern that the few moments of bliss experienced with every bite hardly seemed worth the aftermath. I was on my way, folks and I was quite proud.

Yesterday I realized that I had either a) fooled myself completely into thinking I’m stronger than I could ever be or 2) I need to come up with a new game plan. I gave in to my cravings for chocolate yesterday. I did not plan to, I did not even know that I would be around chocolate at all , but when faced with my temptation in an incredible moment of weakness,my sweet tooth proved stronger than my resolve.

I feel that I am starting over completely and I am quite disappointed to find that I’m so weak. Even more disappointed to find that in that one moment of weakness, my craving for this forbidden treat has increased tenfold.

its like riding a bicycle?

Broken Hearts 

i’ve been talking to single friends recently about their lives in general and I have to say this: the idea of DATING in this day and age scares the crap out of me!!! OMG!! I don’t see myself being good at that at all. I won’t know what I’m doing! I haven’t had to date since I was 21 and even then, lets be honest, I wasn’t …ahem..enlightened enough for real, genuine, good ole fashioned co’tin. My word!! I see why some people stay in really fuqued up relationships. The idea of new HIV testing, weirdo stalkers, BAD relations , the games, the lies lawd the lies…its just terrifying. I guess one must do a lot of soul searching and regrouping to be good at that. A good friend always tells her single friends that there really truly is someone out here for everyone. I halfway believe that. Only halfway cause the other half is just TERRIFIED of what it’ll take to find that one needle in the haystack.

I really don’t think its supposed to be so hard……