Its been forever, I know. A whole lot has been going on and at the same time it feels like nothing has changed. I’m kind of going on autopilot right now. I did get my PMP FINALLY AT LAST. Its been kind of anticlimactic to be honest- yes I accomplished what I set out to do, but I have an overwhelming case of the now-whats going on. That in fact is another post entirely.

A couple days ago, I forgot a promise that I made to myself back in 2003. After having lost my mother in a car accident, I promised myself to not let my first reaction to traffic delays due to accidents annoy me. Knowing that on that regrettable night 8 years ago others were left with nowhere to go on a lonely dark road due to my mother’s accident I try to have compassion for those involved in accidents no matter how much of an inconvenience it might be to me. Well, traffic was blocked..terribly and my commute which is normally 25 minutes or so ended up being a little over two hours. I can’t remember ever being more frustrated! By the time I got to the office I was so pissed off that I’m sure my bad day became an even worse day for those who had to interact with me. When I later learned that two people lost their lives in this accident, I couldn’t stop crying! I was just so overcome with sadness for the families of the victims, for those who were hospitalized, hell even for those who witnessed the horrible horrible accident. I know from experience receiving THAT kind of phone call is one that you can never prepare for. I was reminded of the shock, and then the numbness that I felt when I got that call. Then the sadness of losing my mother resurfaced all over again. Its been a rough couple of days. I pray comfort and peace for the families over their devastating loss.

My family endured another loss a few months ago. My dear dear sweet perfect ( in my eyes) grandmother passed away. Speculation is a traffic accident caused some internal issues to surface and she endured a very painful month or so as a result. We miss her terribly. My family was steal reeling from the loss of my Grandad from a few years ago and this loss was almost more than we could stand. She was in every way the glue that held us together and all I can say is that we are suffering the repercussions of her not being here. Loss is such a complex ..what is it feeling? state of being? …at times it feels like a PRESENCE that follows you around every step you take, not to be eluded or sidestepped, just always there. Even when you can’t see it and think that you’ve outsmarted it, loss always finds a way to make its presence known and you have no choice but to suffer through it until you’re able to sneak away once again. It always finds you and somehow weaves itself into the fiber of who you are. Its hard.Thank God we have such a big family – regardless of whatever obstacles we face now, at the very core of me I know that we can overcome them, but only TOGETHER.

Beyond that- I don’t know. I had intended to post sometime this week and I actually had a plethora of things to talk about. But these past few days my train of thought has totally been in a different place.

I’m going to try to blog more often so that all of my ONE follower will have something to read on here. Until then….


Precious life


Its been forever and a day. Life has really…been testing my resolve as of late. In major ways. But I’m still standing and still grateful. Through the tears and the pain, God is blessing me and I am surrounded by people who love me and lift me up when I would otherwise fall. For all of you, and you know who you are- where would I be without your support and love!?

From all that is in me, and all that I am…THANK YOU. THANK YOU. and THANK YOU.


do overs, comcast sucks, the pink eye, angel wife and more

Ever had one of those days where you felt that if you could JUST start over from the beginning, that all would be well in the world? You get about half way through days like this and give  up because if things continue to progress in the same manner, really, what would be the point of putting forth any effort. SIGH. THIS HAS BEEN MY WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK.  Jesus take the wheel, the keys,the car……heck,drop me off somewhere and please please please pick me up later when order has been restored. I got a call on Monday night telling me that my godfather would be getting buried the NEXT day. Who waits til the day BEFORE a funeral …HOURS even to pass off this kind of information?? My godfather had been ill for the past 20 odd years. Several strokes had rendered him paralyzed, and added to that problems with diabetes, kidney failure…he’s been holding on with the help of a DEVOTED ANGEL WIFE for all this time. She passed last year and he finally crossed over last week. Now, this man had about 9 children, but guess who’s photo he kept in his wallet all these years? Yup, everytime I saw him, he would show me my busted high school photo- the only pic other than his wife- that he kept there. So of course, as late of notice that I got, there was no way in three hells I was tryin to NOT be there. I made some calls to have some folks cover me at the office the next day. I got to the funeral a tad bit late, it was one of the more “interesting” services that  I have EVER EVER EVER been to, and all that I can respectfuly say is that my strong strong desire to be cremated with a small memorial service were just reinforced. One hundred times over.

Moving on.

So of course the day after the funeral-Wednesday-, I had two hundred fifty emails in my inbox at work. Voicemail on my office phone and work cell phone-full. This is where the giving up part comes in because..whats the point. Ifigured I’d go home, get into some comfy clothes and fall asleep on the couch watching cable. WRONG! WRONG! The cable was OUT. Cable, internet AND PHONE- DOA. Of course, calling Comcast won us the privilige of waiting on hold for ONE HOUR AND THIRTY MINUTES. Maybe thats a little misleading to say because it gives the impression that someone picked up after one hour and thirty minutes. No. After one hour and thirty minutes of some damn elevator music featuring a stupid cheerful flautist, we gave up.Cause really, what would be the point.

flute.jpg (Side note.Whoever is responsible for choosing the “hold” music at Comast- I hate you. Dont play some cheerful azz music that brings forth images of butterlies flitting and brooks burbling!! Don’t you know that if your local office wasn’t closed that da*n flute alone would’ve had me in my car on my way there to act a fool!!! With all the foolishness that your customer’s endure- you should be playing something more morose…like a da*n bassoon… )) 

 The next day we were promised a visit out from the tech. Meanwhile, I had awaken to a nicely crusted film over my right eye. Since I had no internet and had some things that I HAD TO GET DONE- I got in my truck with my one good eye and trekked out to Ashburn, where I was treated like a leper as “girl don’t you know you got the pink eye!?” AARRRGGGHHH. I stayed at work for about three hours and then headed home quickly to wait for the tech who did show up at 5:30pm. Apparently, our lovely WMZQ fans next door ran into the cable line or something with their truck and “we tried to tell you we knocked on the door but noone answered”. Maybe the should have tried adveritising it on WMZQ on a commerical break at 4 in the morning. “This just in. Would the people who live at **** please contact your cable provider. I think we fuqed your situation up..just fyi”..yea that would have gotten our attention because hell- we would have already been awake. Buttholes. 

So right now, I am sitting here mapquesting the urgent care center near me to get some drops or something for this infectious eye situation I have going on. Don’t even ask about Valentine’s Day. LOL. I did get a very nice surprise in the mail, but I won’t talk about that because with the week I’ve had I haven’t even had a chance to thank the sender yet, but it did generate a smile in the midst of mayhem. I don’t have a ton of friends, but the ones I have are keepers.

Through all the madness- I am lucky to be alive and lucky to have a new week to look forward to ( hopefully) for another shot at doing it right. Hope your week went well. 

lazy sunday

Today has been a GOOD day. I mean its been a good weekend but today has just been GOOD! Went to church with my family today= the sermon was just what I needed. I love those services that feel tailor made for me on that particular day. From the moment I walked in-it was all about me, all about my faith all about a particular situation that I’m going through. I can say that I left the service today feeling more hopeful and peaceful about the things that I’m facing right now. Afterwards, I spent some time with my grandparents. They have been married over 60 years, have had 18 children over 100 grandchildren and still act like newlyweds.  There is no other woman that I’ve ever met that I would ever want to pattern myself after.She is cherished, adored…she is truly loved and I’m glad that I have been blessed enough to be witness to it. I left “home” feeling renewed and refreshed. I’m so blessed in my life, man. Thats all I need to say about it.

i’m a bad bad mother


K and I were just discussing a very difficult exam that she took today in her Honors Algebra II class. The poor child was distraught so much so that she was starting to look ill. Being the loving, attentive mother that I am, I of course tried to get to the bottom of it right away.

Me: Baby whats wrong??Are you ok?

K: I guess I’m fine

Me: You guess?! What is going on? Are you PMSing or something

K:  Ew, mother. No I think its just my nerves.

Me:  I’m sure it isn’t that bad. Tell me whats going on.

K: Its just that the math test today was REALLY hard. I think I REALLY messed up the last question.

Me ( Not too concerned as she has the highest grade in the class): Well, what happened.

K: I’m not sure. All I know is that everyone else said they got -8 as the answer….and somehow I got the square root of 15!.


K: Gee thanks. I feel a lot better now.

Me: Don’t worry baby. Maybe you’ll get extra points for creativity.

on missing you

Christmas this year without you was hard. I allowed myself to stay in my feelings and lashed out at those around me for not realizing it. Since the last time that I saw you was on Christmas day, every year on Christmas, I remember how great that visit was and THIS year, instead of rejoicing that our last time together was filled with love and laughter, I wallowed in the fact that there won’t be anymore.  Yea, Christmas was rough this year.
But the tables turned. On the 4 year anniversary of your passing on the 29th, your granddaughter and I had a wonderful day together. Laughing. Cooking. Being silly. You would be SO. PROUD. When I think of how proud you would be of her, I can’t help but to cry because you did so much to help make her the person she is. And I thank you. And I love you for it. Only a mother who loves her child as much as you did me, could do the things that you did for your grandchild. And I thank you.
I miss you at such random times. I could be driving and tears will pour out. I could be sitting at work and feel overwhelmed with loss and sadness.  You are always in my thoughts. Always.  While others might see me and be consumed by my faults, you let me know that I am a Wonderful woman and even though you are not here, I don’t allow myself to forget that. And I thank you for that. As with each year around this time, I dream about you a lot more. I know you are in a better place, but I can’t help myself wishing sometimes I had you hear for your sound advice peppered with your crazy sense of humor. I’ve had a lot of good things happen to me in my life, but the best thing was that God saw fit to bless me with a mother as loving and supportive as you. You taught me enough to surivive without you. But life was so much sweeter with you here by my side. Even still, I thank God I had you for my first 30 years. If I could make it to be half the woman that you were over the next 30 years than I will have achieved my life’s purpose.
Thank you Ma.
For everything.

how cute


I LOVE the concept of secret santa. We’re doing it at my house with the kids this year and I’m so excited. We haven’t organized our Christmas plans at work yet, but a friend hipped me to this site. So cute. If your group/family participates in Secret Santa, its a fun easy way to keep the whole thing organized. Check it out!