on missing you

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Christmas this year without you was hard. I allowed myself to stay in my feelings and lashed out at those around me for not realizing it. Since the last time that I saw you was on Christmas day, every year on Christmas, I remember how great that visit was and THIS year, instead of rejoicing that our last time together was filled with love and laughter, I wallowed in the fact that there won’t be anymore.  Yea, Christmas was rough this year.
But the tables turned. On the 4 year anniversary of your passing on the 29th, your granddaughter and I had a wonderful day together. Laughing. Cooking. Being silly. You would be SO. PROUD. When I think of how proud you would be of her, I can’t help but to cry because you did so much to help make her the person she is. And I thank you. And I love you for it. Only a mother who loves her child as much as you did me, could do the things that you did for your grandchild. And I thank you.
I miss you at such random times. I could be driving and tears will pour out. I could be sitting at work and feel overwhelmed with loss and sadness.  You are always in my thoughts. Always.  While others might see me and be consumed by my faults, you let me know that I am a Wonderful woman and even though you are not here, I don’t allow myself to forget that. And I thank you for that. As with each year around this time, I dream about you a lot more. I know you are in a better place, but I can’t help myself wishing sometimes I had you hear for your sound advice peppered with your crazy sense of humor. I’ve had a lot of good things happen to me in my life, but the best thing was that God saw fit to bless me with a mother as loving and supportive as you. You taught me enough to surivive without you. But life was so much sweeter with you here by my side. Even still, I thank God I had you for my first 30 years. If I could make it to be half the woman that you were over the next 30 years than I will have achieved my life’s purpose.
Thank you Ma.
For everything.
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2 thoughts on “on missing you

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