God don’t like ugly

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 “Just wakin up in the mornin gotta thank God
I don’t know but today seems kinda odd”

so.

today was the first day that I got to work on time in a while. This despite the fact that I got home after midnight and didn’t fall asleep until 2. Drama has found me of late so I had a rought time sleeping but once I feel asleep, all was well in my world. That is until the cowboys next door  started in with the first of their twice weekly 4am serenades.Lucky for me, they’ve started shutting it off almost immediately so I was able to fall back asleep within minutes.

Anyway, I woke up at 6:30 and go about my morning routine to get washed and dressed for work.I eat my oatmeal,pack my lunch, grab my computer and I’m actually out the door by 7:30. Traffic-perfect. I must have caught every green light to the office. I get to work and the office is fairly empty so I crank up the Pandora, grab a cup of tea and write out my calendar for the day. I mean, the day was FLAWLESS. I finally got caught up. The phone wasn’t constantly ringing and when it did, I was able to wrap the calls up with minimal effort. I was chillin’ like Ice Cube for real. It was a good dang day. I was focused and on point for all my conference calls, patting myself on the back when at the end of the day I had finished everything on my calendar. I actually left the office before 6pm. I was looking forward to coming home, taking a hot bath and laying back.

But of course.

Things didn’t go as planned.

*sigh*

See, what had happened was last week a good friend of mine told me this story about an incident she had in the bathroom at work. It was the most traumatizing thing that could ever happen. When she told me the story I was rendered speechless for a moment. Seriously it was the most hilariously horrifying story I had ever heard. I didn’t know whether to bust out laughing or to try and be the supportive friend and tell her that it wasn’t that bad and could have happened to anyone. (Needless to say I laughed my azz off). Anyhoo today, after packing all my crap into the truck I get inside and my cell phone rings. I answer, making sure to switch it to speakerphone mode because dearlesley is nothing if not a cautious driver! On the other end,  C is on the phone to tell me of her traumatizing day. It would seem that October is prime time for bathroom issues in public places. In comparison to what I heard last week, her story was but a drop in the bucket. SO. To make her feel better, I decided to share L’s story.

Big mistake.

So as I’m telling the story, the memory of my friends HORRIFIC experience coupled with Cs reaction to the story had me laughing my azz off. Still cracking up, I put the truck into reverse and ever so gently pat the gas pedal so that I can back out of the parking spot.

Oh yea, when I laugh my eyes close.

I think it must’ve happened in a SPLIT second.

Seriously.

I thought I heard a little scrape sound but I wasn’t sure.

So, being the genius that I am, I pat the gas a little more. This time I’m certain I heard a scrape.

So I pull forward and then….wait. What is that folding back? I know I don’t have a spoiler on the front of my truck so what the…..wow.. Is that the fender?

Oh, I failed to mention I was parked between two columns. Yea. Forgot that important piece of information.

I was afraid to get out of the truck because I was pretty sure half my fender had been ripped off and was now lying on the ground behind me. Luckily, when I got out, I saw that the fender was still in place ( I guess its bendy) but the paint is scratched pretty bad on the  driver’s side front fender and the corner of the bumper.

And C is still on the speakerphone. Laughing. And that shit (of the literal and figurative sort) just wasn’t funny anymore.

What made it worse is that when I got back in my car,  one of my coworkers drives up behind me. Last year, I was leaving the office late (of course), talking on my cell ( of course), when she backed out of her spot like a bat out of hell straight into one of the cement columns. At the time I looked at her and mentioned the incident to my friend on the phone and said “damn, I know she saw that pole”. 

So today when I’m standing there using the good cuss words that I had actually put in storage ti’ spring, here she comes. I told her what happened, and she she shook her head and said they should really get rid of the columns because she too had had her “run ins with those poles”.

I know. (See, thats why this happened.)

So I called Geico and I’m to take the truck in on Friday. Of course they asked more questions about my building and the column than they did about the truck.

Does your company lease the building?

Is the column ok?

Whats the address of the building?

So, you said there was no damage to the column.

And the whole time I’m thinking, eff the column, I made my truck ugly!

I blame L for the whole debacle. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have been on the phone laughing, my eyes wouldn’t have shut, and I for damn sure wouldn’t have backed into the pole. Hate her.

Everyone knows you should do a courtesy flush.

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