Is it wrong to say I love my own company? I mean if I had to choose between being by myself and around a group of people, I’d TOTALLY choose to be alone. Is that crazy? I mean not all the time, I’m not a hermit, but just…MOST of the time. I think these tendencies led towards the problems I was having in my relationship. Sometimes, a LOT of the times, I just don’t want to be bothered. Lately though, I’ve been trying to branch out and meet new people. It has been interesting, but at the end of the day, I look forward to my quiet time. My whole life, I’ve always had people around me. My family is HUGE. If you were somewhere sitting off by yourself, either folks thought you were up to something, or about ten cousins would come bombard your space. I’ve always felt that I needed to find myself and the older I get, I’m understanding where that need comes from. Its pretty hard to figure your own shit out when you’re CONSTANTLY surrounded by other people’s issues. And for some reason, I’m the type of person who folks LOVE to dump their problems on. Lesley always has an answer. Lesley can always be counted on to make someone laugh and forget their tears for a moment. Lesley is always there. The problem with that is, being as sensitive as I am, I tend to brood over other people’s problems-their hurts almost detectable in my own body, in my own heart. Those closest to me often tell me to STOP listening to the drama of other people, and I do try. Its just that I can’t stand to know that someone I care about hurts alone. If I can’t fix their problems or help them see clearly enough to find their own solutions, I can at least be friend enough to share the burden. I know I suck for that but I’m trying to let that go. I totally get it from my mom though. She was exactly like that, and the funny thing is: I always chastised her for it. We really DO become our parents.
When I find free time, I am noticing that I spend it best alone. Today, I went to the movies to see this. It was a lot better than I thought it would be.The theatre was packed ( $5 before noon on the weekends) and once again, I was at peace being alone in the midst of many. From there I went to the book store, had a cup of coffee and browsed until a book found me. I walked next door for lunch at La Madeleine. I started my book over a delicious spinach salad with salmon. Turns out the book should have waited to find someone else.
After lunch, I came home, washed my hair and while it air dried called a couple of friends and made plans for tonight. Yes, I’m going to a party :not because I’m dying to socialize, but more because I don’t want to allow myself to get to a point where I completely cut everyone off. So I will get dressed, style my freshly washed hair, put on something cute and act like I want to be there. SIGH.
I don’t know. I feel that as generous as I can be with my emotions and giving of myself in general in a lot of ways I’m still selfish. I really need to work on that.