starting over, redux

 “Bag Lady, you gone hurt your back
  Dragging all them bags like that
  I guess nobody ever told you
  All you must hold on to
  Is you, is you, is you”

             

I’ve started blogs before and as some sort of oft repeated self prophecy, I grew bored with it and stopped. I won’t tell you how many times. I had no inclination of starting again, until this weekend. Being the true Cancer that I am, I try my HARDEST to try to maintain a tough exterior. I know better than anyone that my insides are mush. Once folks figure that out about me, they realize I’m just a big sensitive mess. Anyway..this weekend. Let me preface this by saying that I had been on a self imposed exile from practically everyone close to me for quite some time. If I don’t work with you or live with you, chances are you won’t see me. Why? Not sure. Actually, I think that I’m either a)depressed or b) going through some extremely premature perimenopause thing. Bottom line is, I haven’t had the desire to be bothered. This weekend my daughter and I decided to go to church together to my family church. We were running late as usual and I had already planned on being in attendance for a few minutes before it was time to leave. Unfortunately, this is how bad we are with getting ourselves together on time. Well luckily for me, the service was running long and I did get to catch the sermon. As soon as I was spotted, I was reminded of my sinful life of cohabitation with “him”. Shockingly, because of all the changes I have been going through with regard to “him” lately, I can’t say that I was mad about it. Everyone knows that I was the harlot being broadcast, so there was no need to feign ignorance. I mean its pretty hard when someone says “is that <insertmyFULLBIRTHNAMEHERE>” and then 2 seconds later talking about how wrong and senseless it is to be living together with no signs nor intentions of marriage. All I could do was smile, because he sho nuff wasn’t lying. Right now, I can say I have no direction for my personal life. None. I know where my heart lies. But I also know I have so much that is hindering me from being free to the love that I feel so strongly.  Its one of the hardest things I’m having to experience. Because at the end of the day, I’m not sure if I’m learning to let go of the issues, or if I’m just learning to let go of love.

That’s some heavy shit.

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