untitled

on missing you

Christmas this year without you was hard. I allowed myself to stay in my feelings and lashed out at those around me for not realizing it. Since the last time that I saw you was on Christmas day, every year on Christmas, I remember how great that visit was and THIS year, instead of rejoicing that our last time together was filled with love and laughter, I wallowed in the fact that there won’t be anymore.  Yea, Christmas was rough this year.

But the tables turned. On the 4 year anniversary of your passing on the 29th, your granddaughter and I had a wonderful day together. Laughing. Cooking. Being silly. You would be SO. PROUD. When I think of how proud you would be of her, I can’t help but to cry because you did so much to help make her the person she is. And I thank you. And I love you for it. Only a mother who loves her child as much as you did me, could do the things that you did for your grandchild. And I thank you.

I miss you at such random times. I could be driving and tears will pour out. I could be sitting at work and feel overwhelmed with loss and sadness.  You are always in my thoughts. Always.  While others might see me and be consumed by my faults, you let me know that I am a Wonderful woman and even though you are not here, I don’t allow myself to forget that. And I thank you for that. As with each year around this time, I dream about you a lot more. I know you are in a better place, but I can’t help myself wishing sometimes I had you hear for your sound advice peppered with your crazy sense of humor. I’ve had a lot of good things happen to me in my life, but the best thing was that God saw fit to bless me with a mother as loving and supportive as you. You taught me enough to surivive without you. But life was so much sweeter with you here by my side. Even still, I thank God I had you for my first 30 years. If I could make it to be half the woman that you were over the next 30 years than I will have achieved my life’s purpose.

Thank you Ma.

For everything.

new year’s resolve

I have decided to do away with new year’s resolutions for good. Whats the point of them? I never stick to them. They always sound good when I vocalize them, but two weeks after the new year has begun, I find yourself still immersed in old habits. Fuq that. I’m over it. What  I WILL focus on is my resolve for the new year. How I will take steps to ensure that I see growth in the right areas; to make sure that I’m not repeating the same mistakes and not achieving any of the goals that I have set for myself. 2007 was one of those transition years for me- I couldn’t truly appreciate that until just yesterday. One of the major things that I’ve learned for 2007 is that you can’t achieve your goals without knowing your limitations. I never appreciated that before. At first it was just a matter of me creating these lofty goals, and not factoring in my own ..erra.. tendencies toward triflingness. So for 2008, I’m focusing on those tendencies that might prevent me from seeing my goals through to fruition. ( You know laziness, procrastination, being unorganized, unfocused..the list truly goes on).  I just feel good about the possibilities- the thought that new options, experiences and lessons are in store excites me.  The thought that I don’t have to be limited by other folks’ messiness, by other folks’ beliefs, by other folks’ choices excites me. Being blessed to sit here at the cusp of a new year excites me. Being grateful enough to know that though life is hard sometimes- my life is truly good and I have so much to be thankful for. In learning to be more gracious, I know that I do need to learn not to get sucked up into negativity as much as I have in the past. I allowed myself to wallow in it in 2007 and allowed myself to lose focus on the important things because of it. No more of that for me. So for anyone who visits with their own messy  negative agendas, there really won’t be much to go back and report. My apologies in advance. All that you will find here is more of ME than ever before. That way you can see who I am for yourself rather than basing your visits on what others have told you. That way you won’t waste your time by visiting me to find out someone else’s wherabouts. Messy. No messiness in 2008. Period.

I welcome the new year. I welcome the new possibilities. I welcome the blessings that God has in store for me as well as the lessons that He has designed for the new year. I welcome it all.

Happy New Year and good luck in strengthening your resolve in 2008!!

mess free

In the spirit of promoting no mess for 2008, I have created a new category. I’ve found some people don’t agree with the things that I choose to share. That some things , namely my feelings and opinions on things as related to myself shouldn’t be shared. Runteldat contains those posts that are honest assessments of myself, my situation, my life at this point. Some might feel certain things are better left unsaid. As is the general consensus, I have a big mouth. But I will never write anything that will expose the life and choices of others. Thats why I don’t write EVERYTHING on this blog. I have chosen to share me- the people in my life haven’t made any such decision and I respect that. So, when I may be crossing the line, or feel I am exposing something very personal- Runteldat will help readers to access these posts much more quickly and with much greater ease. Call it my gift to you forf the new year.

No mess in 2008.

Peace and blessings.

’nuff said!!

Pssssst!

 

Do me a favor.

If you see me online, in a personal ad soliciting men for chex…RUNTELDAT.

If you see pictures of me that show me doing things or showing things that are inappropriate…RUNTELDAT.

If you see me online disrespecting those close to me, or disrespecting myself….RUNTELDAT.

If you see me on the street walking with someone that I’m clearly not supposed to be with…RUNTELDAT.

If you hear me talking, and I’m saying something that opposes everything I allegedly stand for ….RUNTELDAT.

Please. I beg you to do that, because I pride myself on being the same person no matter who I’m around. I don’t pretend to be someone that I’m not, I don’t get on this blog and present myself as having something that I don’t. I have issues as we all do, but my life is pretty damn good. I’m sorry if yours isn’t. God blessed me with the ability to express myself creatively on paper. I’m sorry if your life doesn’t come with spellcheck. I am blessed and I am not ashamed to share that. For those that know me and come to this blog to share that, I welcome you. For those that THINK they know me, “trust and believe” while this blog is all me, it is not nearly all of me. Its not even a drop in the ocean of my life. No, its not much. But one thing that it is…is that its mine. Its all about ME. It has nothing to do with you, or whomever else you want to make it about. It is about me. It is mine. Period.

Hi. My name is dearlesley, and this is my blog.

u know u luv it

the haps

I went to a wonderful party over at CreoleinDC’s spot on Sunday. I ate WAY to much gumbo, way too much jerk chicken, way too many cookies and God knows I drank WAY to much wine. Needless to say it was an AWESOME party. The Usual Suspects  are cool as hell, despite the brief yet racy conversation on subject matter that left my mouth wide the hell open. I don’t know if I was more surprised that the subject was brought up in the first place or that our hostess let it go on as long as it did. It was a pearl clutching moment to the highest degree I assure you. Once we got back on track, we had some serious girl talk about life matters and I have to say again, the Usual Suspects are cool as hell. After a couple hours of more wine, gift exchanges, cookies and more wine, we all left with huge kool aid grins, and bags overflowing with cookies- all looking forward to our next event in January. SOME of us, who will go unnamed also scored gumbo and jerk chicken to go. Good times.

What else? I actually took more than a two day stretch off from work. I was off from Friday -Wednesday. I went out of town just to get away and I had a great time. Since I moved though, I have to say that I look forward to coming HOME almost as much as I look forward to taking a vacation in the first darn place. At a certain point, I can’t wait to get in OUR shower using OUR soaps and watching OUR cable on OUR couch. The closer I got to VA, the more excited I got about walking in the front door. I was worried bout the damn tree. I got a real live Christmas tree this year. Even though I left it unplugged, folks had me thinking it would spontaneously combust or something. Geez. Next year I might go artificial cause honestly, even though my tree is gorgeous, it sucks up a LOT of water and its shedding pine needles EVERYWHERE. I’m also getting a little tired of the whole house smelling so strongly of PINE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT!LOL. I would NEVER admit it to a certain person because as with most things I was hellbent on getting this tree but, I think I’m kinda over it. SSSSH. Don’t tell nobody. Check out the home depot guy and my tree.

While I was on vacation, we caught I am Legend at the Imax theatre. Wonderful. Will Smith is growing on me. In all honesty, sometimes he seems a bit “iffy” to me and I obsess over his every movement as proof of this, but this time I was engrossed in the movie from beginning to end and made only one comment about his “suspectedness”. Loved it.

Before the movie, they showed a teaser for the new Batman movie next year. I couldn’t find the  actual trailer they showed, but I did find something.

 Check this out. Awesome huh? I never liked Batman before Christian Bale but I had one of the only grown folks dreams I can remember and Christian Bale as Batman was all up in through so now I’m a fan, LOL. Sssh! Don’t tell nobody.

During my absence from work, my office completed a relocation that was a year in the works. I’m going from the Tysons corner area to somewhere out near the Leesburg Outlets. My coworkers have been in place since Monday. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed because I don’t even know how to GET to the new offices, let alone what building I need to go to, how to get to my area….I’m just thinking about working from home tomorrow too so I can just put this off til Monday. I’m so not looking forward to it. It doesn’t help that my new cube is right outside my boss’s office as well as my boss’s boss’s office. Sigh. Fun times indeed. Apart from my anxiety about the changes at work, I have to say I’m in a good place right now. A damn good place. This has been one of the craziest, scariest years I’ve had since 2003 and I am Oh so grateful that it seems to be going out on such a peaceful note.

To all those who declared my blog the lamest of them all, I’m back beetches.

One more thing…

Suspectedness red flag:

Men who go out for cocktails as opposed to going out for drinks.  Too swishy for my taste. But thats just me.

how cute

 

I LOVE the concept of secret santa. We’re doing it at my house with the kids this year and I’m so excited. We haven’t organized our Christmas plans at work yet, but a friend hipped me to this site. So cute. If your group/family participates in Secret Santa, its a fun easy way to keep the whole thing organized. Check it out!

Elfster.

must see

 No Country For Old Men

T had been waiting for this movie to be released long before I had even heard of it. We were able to catch it on opening weekend at the theatre in Shirlington. I had my doubts, although I am a big Tommy Lee Jones fan and I LOVE the Coen brothers. I just didn’t trust that I hadn’t heard anything about it. NOTHING AT ALL.

I won’t say how much I ended up LOVING the movie ( a lot) but I will say that its not for everyone. You will either love it or hate it. I don’t think there is much room for middle ground here. Its a long one, but the suspense keeps you involved for the duration. Basically, a hunter happens across a clearing in the desert where apparantly a drug deal has gone bad. Several dead bodies are strewn about the ground. The hunter ( Josh Brolin) finds amongst this carnage, $ 2 million in cash and  several kilos of heroin. He makes away with the $2 million dollars. The plot follows a  game of cat and mouse played between the hunter and the truly psychotic hitman(Javier Bardem) hired to retrieve the cash. Tommy Lee Jones plays a weathered sheriff trying to intervene and possibly save the life of the hunter, all while standing at a crossroads in his own personal life. All these characters are connected by their own obsession and ultimately are left to face their own destinies alone. It is very well written and the directors know that the story is good enough to stand on its own- though the movie is violent, its not gratuitous. Though the killer is psychotic, there is method to his madness. (I have to say he is the scariest bad guy I’ve seen in a long LONG time). Like I said, you’ll love it or hate it. If you see it, don’t come to me talking about – the movie sucked. It just might suck for you and I’m telling you up front.  For the rest, it is another Coen brothers classic and you won’t be disappointed. I personally can’t wait for the DVD release.

Oh yea, the ending is perfect! Don’t expect a big Hollywood finale where all the loose ends are tied into a nice little bow. In fact you might leave feeling that there is more of the story to be told.