randoms…sorta

Its been forever, I know. A whole lot has been going on and at the same time it feels like nothing has changed. I’m kind of going on autopilot right now. I did get my PMP FINALLY AT LAST. Its been kind of anticlimactic to be honest- yes I accomplished what I set out to do, but I have an overwhelming case of the now-whats going on. That in fact is another post entirely.

A couple days ago, I forgot a promise that I made to myself back in 2003. After having lost my mother in a car accident, I promised myself to not let my first reaction to traffic delays due to accidents annoy me. Knowing that on that regrettable night 8 years ago others were left with nowhere to go on a lonely dark road due to my mother’s accident I try to have compassion for those involved in accidents no matter how much of an inconvenience it might be to me. Well, traffic was blocked..terribly and my commute which is normally 25 minutes or so ended up being a little over two hours. I can’t remember ever being more frustrated! By the time I got to the office I was so pissed off that I’m sure my bad day became an even worse day for those who had to interact with me. When I later learned that two people lost their lives in this accident, I couldn’t stop crying! I was just so overcome with sadness for the families of the victims, for those who were hospitalized, hell even for those who witnessed the horrible horrible accident. I know from experience receiving THAT kind of phone call is one that you can never prepare for. I was reminded of the shock, and then the numbness that I felt when I got that call. Then the sadness of losing my mother resurfaced all over again. Its been a rough couple of days. I pray comfort and peace for the families over their devastating loss.

My family endured another loss a few months ago. My dear dear sweet perfect ( in my eyes) grandmother passed away. Speculation is a traffic accident caused some internal issues to surface and she endured a very painful month or so as a result. We miss her terribly. My family was steal reeling from the loss of my Grandad from a few years ago and this loss was almost more than we could stand. She was in every way the glue that held us together and all I can say is that we are suffering the repercussions of her not being here. Loss is such a complex ..what is it feeling? state of being? …at times it feels like a PRESENCE that follows you around every step you take, not to be eluded or sidestepped, just always there. Even when you can’t see it and think that you’ve outsmarted it, loss always finds a way to make its presence known and you have no choice but to suffer through it until you’re able to sneak away once again. It always finds you and somehow weaves itself into the fiber of who you are. Its hard.Thank God we have such a big family – regardless of whatever obstacles we face now, at the very core of me I know that we can overcome them, but only TOGETHER.

Beyond that- I don’t know. I had intended to post sometime this week and I actually had a plethora of things to talk about. But these past few days my train of thought has totally been in a different place.

I’m going to try to blog more often so that all of my ONE follower will have something to read on here. Until then….

next steps…

So I’ve found an apartment. After calling the leasing office today to confirm my move date of NOVEMBER 5th (OMG) I started to get a bad case of nerves. Huge changes for me. I think what is concerning me is how I am, or at least seem to be, taking everything in stride. I’m waiting for the moment for everything to kick in- for the dreadful day when I’ll really process what has happened and what it means.

In the meantime…I’m thinking about the holidays and how different everything will be now. I decided that the only logical thing for me to do is to plan something huge and memorable, in celebration of my new life. What better way than Vegas for New Year’s?? I have two friends on board, and honestly- I think it will be just what the doctor ordered. The thought of it is enough to get me through the next few exciting difficult months.

We’ll see.

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table for one

so this is what it feels like to be single.

I have been in a relationship for the better part of the past 10 years. When you get to the point where things aren’t moving forward and you lose interest in making the effort, its best to part ways before the love that brought you together turns sadly into something cold and mean.

Parts of me are looking forward to being single. Of no longer being accountable to another person. Of having the freedom to do whatever I please or to do nothing at all. Mainly the time I will be afforded to once again focus on myself and the personal goals that have taken a back burner for various reasons. At 36 there is still loads of living to do and I embrace that.

Parts of me are scared shitless. Starting over after such a long time, when your habits and very  lifestyle for the better part of your adult life have included this other person. Seperating from the one person that knows you almost better than you know yourself. Being scared of being happy without someone is a weird feeling that I can’t begin to explain, let alone make sense of.

I’m pretty sure I’ll be taking to this blog again while I work through everything. Find my legs again. Rediscover myself. Luckily- my daughter has a ton going on that will take a lot of energy. Luckily ( or maybe not so luckily) I have to study for my PMP agan which will take up almost every free moment. Luckily- I will be working with a friend on a couple of exciting projects to keep me occupied. Luckily- life goes on.

We’ll see how it goes.